Hormones are a funny thing...
Well, it has happened again, just like I knew it would. I am feeling the baby blues. I'm typically fine and somewhat myself during the morning and afternoon time, but come bedtime, is when everything hits me like a ton of bricks. The feeling of being alone, separated, and deserted. I have to say I HATE, absolutely HATE this feeling.
What is going through my mind right now is "can I cut it as a mother of two?" Will my sons both get the nurturing they need? Can I be there for both of them when they need me? I like to think I have the answer to these questions and I want to have the answer to these questions, but as of right now I have self doubt. I am also wishing again that I could freeze time. Logan has turned into a little person, not a baby or toddler, but an actual person right in front of me, if that makes any sense. It is like we dropped him off Monday morning at Pappa Jack and Yaya's house as a little "baby" toddler and got back in return a little person who is independent. This is not their fault by any means because this is who he was already. But now after having Eli my perspective got altered. Monday afternoon after having my newest of sons, Logan came visit me in the hospital, and it was there that I realized how grown up he looked. That itself is freaking me out. Time with my little ones are precious!
I feel extremely guilty that Logan hasn't had my full attention like he used to. I understand, somewhat that this will not be the case anymore now that I have two little ones, but I'm having a hard time adjusting to the new. I feel as though I'm consistently letting my husband and little boys down. I don't feel like myself and in fact I'm not myself right, which is another hard thing to over come right now. Knowing that I'm being too hard on myself, while at the same not being able to control it. I feel like I am a prisoner in my own body right now unable to control myself. I know this won't last forever, but right now it is hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel... welcome baby blues.
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